You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
