I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
