I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
