i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize