I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Randomize