Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
