After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
