I hope mine doesn't look like that
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
