my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
