it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
