Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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