Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
