you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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