Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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