not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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