ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
