How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
