I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Such a big mess for such a small penis
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
