i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
