Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize