After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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