I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
