life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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