I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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