You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I wannas sexs uuuuu
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
