I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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