Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
