I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
