false alarm. still invincible.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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