I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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