Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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