I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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