Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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