oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
