I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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