i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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