awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
A+ Viking dick
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Congratulations! We have a period
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
