i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
