please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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