I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
