I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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