Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
