Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
