just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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