we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
They are going to name an STD after you.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
