there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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