if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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