the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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