So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
