You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
