Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
