I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
