I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
