he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
