Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
