how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
