I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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