So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
