jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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