i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
honey bunches of taint.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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